Assertiveness and Conflict Management

•Where being more assertive would have helped you in better managing a conflict?

Asserting Yourself

1. What is Assertiveness and what does being Assertive mean?

Assertiveness:

• A form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof.

•“Expressing personal rights and feelings.”

•Acting in any situation where you need to:

–express your feelings

–ask for what you want

–say no to something you don’t want

–without either aggressively threatening the rights of another.

–submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.

-As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is thus distinguished from both aggression and passivity.

“ For too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person “

-Gloria Steinem

2.   Why is it important to be assertive?

•How you interact with others can be a source of considerable stress in your life.

–Can alleviate stress and make you feel more relaxed.

–Develop self-respect and self-worth.

Assertiveness is one of the key asset that help young people become mature, responsible adult.

“I graduated from high school this spring, and as look back on my high school years, I feel sad that I spent so match time criticizing myself and never appreciating who I was”

-Angela Evanz

Lacking Assertiveness

• What causes lack in Assertiveness?

1-If you are phobic or anxiety-prone you might have difficulty making requests or saying no to family members or close friends.

2-Growing up in a family where you felt the need to be perfect and please your parents, you’ve remained a “People Pleaser” as an adult.

3-Excuses,Excuses:

-Fear often trap people and keep them from trying new things.

-While fearful people believe things will turn out badly on other hand assertive people feel that good outcome is possible.

-Most people use excuse to remain inactive every now and then as follow:

• I’m not smart enough.
• I’d be afraid to do that.
• I don’t have the right cloths.
• I’m not going to raise my hand, someone might laugh at me.
• I’m not as good as they are.

Some people use shyness as a shield, they feel protected inside their shield like turtle.

However, even a turtle has to stick its neck out of its shell to move forward.

Shy people have to stick their neck out whenever it is important in order to move forward as well.

Usually that require some assertiveness.

• What does lacking  Assertiveness cause?

•Doing things you don’t want to do creates RESENTMENT, which in turn produces tension which is the source of conflict in your relationships.

• When to be assertive?

•Confronting hostile person carrying a knife may be not the best choice, however confronting a person who cuts ahead of you in a ticket line is usually ok

•Use your assertiveness when appropriate.

Constant Comparison Hurt

-When teens compare themselves with others, they may lose self-confidence.

-They think everyone else is better than they are: taller – stronger – funnier – smarter or more popular.

-Constantly comparing yourself with others is unhealthy and unproductive.

-Assertive people accept themselves as they are.

-People who accept themselves are happier,healthier and productive more than people who compare themselves with others.

Measure Your Assertiveness

1.I do my own thinking and make my own decision. 1     2     3      4     5

2.I freely express my feeling and beliefs.                       1     2     3      4     5

3.I accept responsibility of my life.                                             1     2     3      4     5

4.I make decision and accept the consequences.        1     2     3      4     5

5.When I need help, I ask others to help me.               1     2     3      4     5                        

6.When at fault, I apologize.                                          1     2     3      4     5            

7.When I confused, I ask for explanation.                       1     2     3      4     5

8.When I unfairly treated, I object.                                    1     2     3      4     5

9.When someone annoying me I ask him to stop,        1     2     3      4     5

10.I ask my doctor all the question I want answer for.1     2     3      4     5     

11.When I interrupted, I politely comment on the-

-interruption and then finish what I’m saying.                1     2     3      4     5  

12.If friend invite me to do something and I really

don’t want to,I turn down the request.                             1     2     3      4     5

13.When someone criticizing me, I listen to the-

criticism without being defensive.                                       1     2     3      4     5

14.When one friend is not meeting all my needs,            1     2     3      4     5

I establish meaningful relationship with many other people  

15.If I’m jealous, I explore the reason of my feelings,

then I look for other way to increase myself confidence    1     2     3      4     5

Assertiveness Training ( AT )

•The goal of assertiveness training is to increase the number and variety of situations in which assertive behavior is possible, and decrease occasions of passive collapse or hostile blow–up.

AT is found to be effective in dealing with:

•Depression

•Anger

•Resentment

•Interpersonal Anxiety

Examples

You are assertive when:

•You stand up for your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated.

•Beyond just demanding your rights, you can express your personal likes and interests spontaneously.

•You can talk about yourself without being self-conscious.

•You can accept compliments comfortably.

•You can disagree with someone openly.

•You can ask for clarification.

•You can say No!

•You can be more relaxed in interpersonal situations.

 

Basic Styles of Interpersonal Behavior.

The first step in AT is to identify the 3 basic styles of interpersonal behavior.

1)Aggressive Style

2)Passive Style

3)Assertive Style

1-Aggressive Style

•Typical examples of aggressive behavior: fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on people without regard for their feelings.

•The advantage of this kind of behavior is that people do not push the aggressive person around.

•The disadvantage is that people do not want to be around him or her.

•Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them.

2-Passive Style

•A person is behaving passively when he lets others push him around, when he does not stand up for himself, and when he does what he is told, regardless of how he feels about it.

•The advantage of being passive is that you rarely experience direct rejection or conflict with others.

•The disadvantage is that you are taken advantage of, and you store up a heavy burden which could lead to internal conflict that could manifest itself in resentment and anger.

•Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear.

•Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else

3-Assertive Style

•A person is behaving assertively when she stands up for herself, expresses her true feelings, and does not let others take advantage of her. At the same time, she is considerate of others’ feelings.

•The advantage of being assertive is that you get what you want, usually without making others mad.

•If you are assertive, you can act in your own best interest and not feel guilty or wrong about it.

•Meekness and withdrawal, attack and blame are no longer needed with the mastery of assertive behavior.

•They are seen for what they are – sadly inadequate strategies of escape that create more pain and stress that they prevent. Before you can achieve assertive behavior you must face the fact that the passive and aggressive styles have often failed to get you what you want.

How to be Assertive?

To be Assertive you have to work on yourself, in 6 distinct areas:

1)Developing Non-Verbal Assertive Behaviors

2)Recognizing and being willing to exercise your basic rights as a human being

3)Becoming aware of your own unique feelings, needs and wants.

4)Practicing assertive responses– first through writing and role-playing and then in real life.

5)Assertiveness on the Spot

6)Learning to say NO!

1)Developing Non-Verbal Assertive Behaviors

•Looking directly at another person when addressing them.

–Looking away conveys the message that you’re not quite sure about asking for what you want.

•Maintaining an open rather than closed posture.

–Uncross legs and arms.

•Do not back off or move away from the other person while in dialogue.

–The expression: “Standing your ground.” really applies here.

•Stay calm.

–Avoid angry outbursts.

2. Recognizing and Exercising Your Basic Rights

•Developing assertiveness involves recognizing that you, just as much as anyone else, have a right to all of the things listed under the Personal Bill of Rights.

•Read through the PBR and reflect on your willingness to believe in and exercise each one.

3.Becoming Aware of Your Own Unique Feelings, Needs, and Wants

•Need to be clear about:

1) What it is you’re feeling.

2) What it is you want or don’t want.

•If your feeling confused or ambivalent about your wants or needs, take time to clarify them first by writing them out or talking them out with a supportive friend and/or counselor.

Need to make your needs known. Other people are not “mind readers.”

How to be Assertive?-2

4. Practicing Assertive Responses

•Describe your problem situation.

–Specify the “who,” “when,” “what,” “how,” the “fear,” and the “goal.”

•Develop an Assertive Response

1)Evaluate your rights within the situation.

Refer back to the Bill of Rights

2)Designate a time for discussing what you want.

Find a mutually convenient time to discuss the problem with the other person involved.

3)Address the main person involved, state the problem in terms of its consequences for you.

Don’t expect others to be mind readers. Clearly outline your point of view objectively.

4) Express your feelings about the particular situation.

–First person statements (I felt sad….) acknowledge your responsibility for your feelings while second person statements (You said….) generally accuse or judge.

5) Make your request for changing the situation.

–Use assertive nonverbal behavior.

•Establish eye contact, maintain open posture, stay calm.

–Keep request simple.

–Avoid asking for multiple things.

–Be specific.

–Don’t apologize for your request.

–Make requests, not demands or commands.•

6) Tell this person the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) his or her cooperation.

5. Assertiveness on the Spot

•Many daily situations arise that challenge you to be assertive spontaneously.

•Assertive on the Spot Steps:

1)Evaluate your rights.

2)Make your requests.

“I would like….”

Statement needs to be:

-Firm

-Simple and to the point

-Without apology

-Nonjudgmental, non-blaming

-Always a request, not a demand

-Use a monotonous, non-aggressive tone if dealing with a stranger and/or adult.

3)State the problem in terms of its consequences.

4)Express your feelings.

5)State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) cooperation.

6. Learning to Say NO

•Saying no means that you set limits on other people’s demands for your time and energy when such demands conflict with your own needs and desires. It also means you can do this without feeling guilty.

•Saying No to aggressive individuals requires making statement stronger and more emphatic:

1)Look directly in the eyes

2)Raise the level of your voice slightly

3)Assert your position: “I said no thank you.”

•Dealing with acquaintances, friends, and family sometimes requires us to give an explanation:

1)Acknowledge the other person’s request by repeating it.

2)Explain your reason for declining.

3)Say “no.”

4)If appropriate, suggest an alternative proposal where both your and the other person’s needs will be met.

•Watch out for guilt.

–Might be tough at first.

Assertive People ………

•We know assertive people when they have the following characteristics:
1.Assertive people are confident and straightforward.
2-They are ambitious and know what they want and work toward their goals in a way that fair for every one.
3-Feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
4-Are "also able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with [other] people"
5-Know their rights.
6-Have control over our anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they control anger and talk about it in a reasoning manner.
5."Assertive people ... are willing to compromise with others, rather than always wanting their own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem".
6."Assertive people enter friendships from an 'I count my needs. I count your needs' position
7-Have strong self-esteem ,healthy image about themselves and feel good about who they are, it doesn’t mean they think they are perfect,better than other, or always on control.